i'm not in love, this is not my heart...2.24.09

I thought i didn't "love" my ex. I thought i hated him for the way he treated me. But for some reason i cant hate him. I hate knowing hes in another girls arms and calling them baby. Touching there skin and kissing them. Telling them that they're beautiful and that he loves them. I can't believe I'm crying over him. I don't understand. I think i've been beating myself up over him because i felt like I wasnt good enough. Even though i gave him everything plus more. I loved him...
Like i'm hating this, i like this other guy but i keep thinking of my ex. I just want to be over him, so i can move on and be happy. i dont think its going to happen for a long time, and it sucks so bad.
I hated the way he made me feel but i also loved the way he made me feel
We've been through hell and back together
But i dont know
i guess he had lust when i had love, even though i deny i loved him.
Everything i do or see or hear or touch reminds me of him. I guess thats what I get for going out with someone for 6 months.
i'm so done right now. I need some alcohol and some cuddling
i dont know ughhh
In a way i kinda wish i would've ran away to california with him and get married
where he can take me away from all my troubles and it's just me him and our kids.
Now its just a faded dream
I wish i would have one more day with him so he can take me to the beach and watch the sunset...

my first photoshoot 2.21.09

So today I had my first photoshoot
I was modeling
It was alot and i mean ALOT of fun
but it's alot harder than it looks
your body gets cramped and numb from holding it in awkward positions and for long periods of time
it takes alot of time
it took about 7 hours. oh my god i never would've guessed ha
so i have to wait two weeks for the pictures to get edited and uploaded and blah blah blah
ugh im so impatient hahaha
so i really want to be a model but it's not something i would do for a career but for a hobby
now im about to go out with this other guy who likes me name nick. I like this whole being single and "dating" to findout who I really want
it's working out pretty well
ok well lets see what this night of surprises will bring =]

My first blog 2.17.09

Well today my friend lexxi IMed me and told me, you should blog!
So I was like hmm maybe it's not such a bad idea. So here I go.

So basically yesterday was a crazy day. One of my best friends, Andrew, aka Cherri came over my house. His ex gf who is my ex best friend is nuts, just putting that out there. So she got mad at cherri for something stupid and i agreed with cherri so than she flipped on us both. Her name is Rachel by the way. So friggen Rachel decided, hey im going to circle emy's house and being a crazy stalker! basically. So cherri was over and on my laptop and i was about to get in the shower and i get a text from rachel telling me to commeeee outsideeeeee. I was like jesus christ this girl don't end. So I told my brother to not go outside and shit because i honestly don't trust her and i dont want my brother getting hurt. So my brother went to close the garage door and she called me saying i was scared. I basically laughed in her face like whatever and hungup. So i took a shower while she was still circling my neighborhood for a good hour, yeah this girl has no life. So my mom came home and flipped a shit on her and called her mom and shit while i was blowdrying my hair and so apparently she thought i was being a pussy or something. whatever. So I was pissed off because of all the shit so I told cherri to come to the mall with me. so while im waiting to go to the mall i get a phonecall from my ex bitching at me for having two guys on my top friends on myspace, who are my friends. wtf who flips about myspace top friends seriously, im like ok im not dealing with this stupid drama. So I go to the mall and than he comes to the mall. So i said hi and waved to him and he was on the phone so i walked away. got bitched out for that. whatever. I than was shopping and than he decided he wanted to follow me around. um, kay. It was so weird idk why but it was. So he drove me and cherri home because he wanted to hang with me. So I said oh maybe tomorrow. I didn't need the drama because I had enough drama for the day and basically cherri hates my ex joe. So than my friend brian texts me asking to hangout. Basically brian is this guy who i have a crush on, so we are "dating" i guess but not going out. its one of those things. He is going through alot of shit himself too, his mom has cancer. It's terrible so we were out from 9 to 1am. we sat in a parking lot in his car just talking. It was so amazing how we just opened ourselves up to each other. I really like him alot. So cherri was mad because he said i was being inconsiderate because oooh hes going through sooo much. fuck you. this kid is going through so much shit, his mom has fucking cancer and youre going to tell me youre going through alot, ha youre funny. Regardless, too much drama. I hate drama so much. So I'm just going to chill at home today I think unless something comes up. haha. So yeah ha welcome to my life guys.